Best Relationship Advice To My Younger Self (from an expert) -

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Let’s face it, your life is full of relationships. Even if you profess your preference for relating with dogs or cats over relating with people, at the end of the day we all need each other to feel understood and appreciated.

Do you struggle to be single?
Do you seem to always have relationship issues?
Do you see other happy couples and you wonder when would be your turn?
Are you waiting for your life partner and are you trying to avoid ending up with the wrong person?

From the mail carrier to the beauty guru at the makeup store, and from your mom to your significant other, we can’t skip having to relate to others.

The question is how many of those relationships are actually healthy?

I went to school to become a relationship expert, or so they told us.

I am a marriage and family therapist. So this advice is coming from someone who went to school to learn the art of relating, but also from someone who has matured a little over the years.

Honestly, relationships are just difficult to manage and to keep free of conflict, however, there are some things I wish I knew when I was younger.

In general, many of these tips are for those years I spent as a single woman. But they are also for those times when I dare to date, sometimes the wrong people.

It did not get easier after I got married. Relationship experts like me struggle too with the demands of a long-term relationship or the short day-to-day interactions, but if I could talk to my younger self this would be my best relationship advice.

The main idea is that the healthier you are as an individual, the healthier your relationships around you.

Romantic Relationships

For what seemed a long long time, I struggled with the idea of being single and with romantic relationships to be specific.

When it comes to romantic relationships the truth is that we all would want to be in a loving relationship where our basic need to feel loved and cared for is met. Easier said than done.

Also, trauma and past wounds with our family of origin don’t help us identify the red flags in our behavior as well as the people around us, whether friends or partners.

I’ve been tremendously blessed to have an excellent relationship therapist who guided me to see a more clear picture.

So his advice with mine made up the present list of thoughts about relationships.

Let’s explore together pieces of relationship advice I would give to my younger self, and how to better thrive in relationships.

Also, if you are still single I hope this helps you thrive while you wait for the right match for you.

Learn to Enjoy Your Alone Time

It is nice to be young and be able to enjoy friendships of all kinds. Unfortunately, peer pressure is really strong sometimes and we may end up believing we need to be with someone to be “normal”.

Enjoy your alone time and use it to think about what you really want in life, how you can accomplish it, who actually deserves to be with you, and who is influencing you for the better.

Do all this before you commit to a long-term relationship! And if you are in a bad relationship now, it is better to end it now than to waste your time with the wrong person for the fear of spending your time alone.

Time alone can be extremely rewarding and can help you learn things about yourself, this in turn will benefit your future relationships.

Be Aware of Your Own Needs

Let’s list some of those needs:

Some common physical needs include food, water, shelter, and rest.
Emotional needs may include feeling loved, accepted, and supported.
Social needs may include having meaningful relationships with others, feeling a sense of belonging, and being part of a community.
Psychological needs may include feeling a sense of purpose, having a sense of autonomy and control, and feeling competent and capable in one’s endeavors.

By having short-term goals and working on your self-development you can be more prepared to meet someone else that has the same level of improvement as you. These could potentially eliminate co-dependency, or needing someone else to feel happy.

Start Here: Heal Your Need for Affection

Children are especially a gift of affection. When you let their love be present in your life your need for affection can be more than met.

Their love is pure and innocent, so use the opportunity to be around children, to play with them, to observe them.

There is a reason why Jesus said to be like children.

Try it and see how the effects of their pure souls help you heal your need for affection.

Seek to take care of your nieces, nephews, or other children in your life. You would be surprised by the benefits!

Learn about Love Languages

This knowledge can be extremely helpful to understand others and yourself.

Also, when you are close to someone even in your own family this is a game changer in the relationship, for the better.

If you know which is your love language or your partner’s love language chances are you can better explain your needs when relationship problems arise.

Take the quiz here My love language website to see your dominant love language.

We all have unique ways to receive love.

Here are the five love languages described in Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate”.

Words of Affirmation: This love language involves expressing affection through words of appreciation, encouragement, compliments, and praise.
Quality Time: This love language involves spending time with your loved one, giving them your undivided attention, and being fully present in the moment.
Acts of Service: This love language involves doing things for your partner that you know they would appreciate, such as cooking a meal, doing the laundry, or running errands.
Gifts: This love language involves giving and receiving physical tokens of affection, such as thoughtful presents, small gestures, and surprises.
Physical Touch: This love language involves expressing love through physical touches, such as hugging, kissing, holding hands, and other forms of non-sexual physical intimacy.

Discover which one is your love language and try to identify the other person’s love language. Then try your best at giving that person your love the way they needed it.

Work on Your Self-Esteem

Working on yourself first before engaging in a romantic relationship or while you grow a friendship, can give you the ability to know yourself better and therefore interact with others with more confidence.

When you know yourself you know your weaknesses and your strengths. Therefore you can realize of your whole potential and capitalize on your talents and gifts.

I wish I knew that every time I was alone on St. Valentine’s day, every time no one called to ask me out, or when I had a difficult time getting to know people, I needed to know my value and to know that I was worth it.

Replace negative thoughts that put you down with positive ones that will help you to build healthy self-esteem. Basically, start having a healthier and new relationship with yourself.

Examples of things you can work on include:

improving time management skills
developing interpersonal skills,
mastering mental habits such as mental prayer and mindfulness
improving employment skills
and improving communication skills

In order to attract the right people, you need to work on those qualities that you want to foster.

Focus on those things that you need to improve yourself.

Just as a good artist works on a piece of art, work on your self-development.

One day that significant other will thank you for the work you put into becoming the best version of yourself.

As you can see there is a lot to work on before we think we are ready for a relationship.

Celebrate your Uniqueness

Along with your self-esteem is the realization that you are unique. God made you unique and He talks to you in a very unique way, especially for who you are.

You are unique in this world, there is nobody like you out there (even if you have a twin brother or sister, you are different people).

Look in the mirror and discover the gift that you are for others. There is a reason why you were put on this earth, and that is to love and be loved in a unique way!

Live a Balanced Life

Your image, your food, your expenses, your hobbies, everything in balance and moderation is healthier and more beneficial for you and those who you love.

When you live a more balanced life you won’t have time to feel pity for being single.

There are enough areas in your life to take care of than to focus on what is not important in the present moment.

Read: 5 SIMPLE STEPS TO ACHIEVE YOUR SHORT TERM GOALS EFFECTIVELY

Be Aware of the Wolves

Surround yourself with the right people, people who can help you grow as a person.

Don’t let yourself get influenced by negative people in your family, or by controlling and narcissistic people at work or in your circle of friends, there will always be someone who tries to manipulate you into basically being their shadow.

These people are afraid of loneliness and they do not want you to live your own life.

Listen to what the people around you have to say about you, but work on putting more importance on the voices that do matter. A positive and uplifting mentor, or an inspiring friend, etc.

Know What you Want and Deserve

Once you know your worth you discover what you deserve.

Maybe you focus on the fact that at the moment you are not in a happy relationship or have a significant other.

Honestly, the worst would be to be in a toxic and even dangerous relationship with someone that does not deserve your attention.

You deserve someone who cherishes you, values you, and wants the best for you. You also need someone who can share with you your core values, for example:

Integrity: Being honest, ethical, and trustworthy in all interactions.
Respect: Treat others with dignity, empathy, and compassion.
Responsibility: Being accountable for one’s actions and decisions.
Courage: Being brave and standing up for what is right, even in the face of adversity.
Perseverance: Persisting in the face of challenges and obstacles, and not giving up easily.
Equality: Treating all people fairly and without discrimination.
Empathy: Understanding and feeling the emotions of others, and showing compassion.
Service: Helping others and making a positive difference in the world.
Faith: Someone who shares your same faith is always a plus!

Do not settle for less, and be thankful you are not spending time with people you can’t trust.

I wish I had believed this statement when I was younger because I had a couple of bad experiences that I allowed to continue for too long, but I knew they were not it since the first date. Save yourself from unnecessary tough times and heartbreak.

Forming a Foundation of Trust and Good Communication

When you are in a relationship learn to hold your standards high on what you will give and want to receive, as well as what you are building together as a couple.

It may be helpful to know what are those character’s that make healthy relationships:

Characteristics of a Strong Relationship

Trust and honesty: Healthy relationships are built on trust and honesty. Partners are open and transparent with each other and can rely on each other to keep their word.
Communication: Effective communication is essential for a healthy relationship. Partners listen to each other, express their feelings and needs, and work to resolve conflicts in a constructive way.
Mutual respect: In a healthy relationship, both partners treat each other with respect and value each other’s opinions and feelings.
Independence: Each partner maintains their own identity and interests, while also supporting their partner’s pursuits.
Equality: Healthy relationships are based on mutual give-and-take. Both partners contribute equally to the relationship, and decisions are made together.
Shared values: Partners in a healthy relationship share similar values and goals for their future together.
Emotional support: Partners in healthy relationships provide emotional support to each other during both good times and bad.
Physical intimacy: Physical intimacy is an important component of a healthy romantic relationship, and partners should be comfortable and respectful of each other’s boundaries.

Overall, a healthy relationship is one where both partners feel valued, respected, and supported, and where there is mutual trust, and respect.

This advice is tough but really necessary. Unfortunately, most of us deal with trust issues from past wounds so it’s difficult to build trust.

Nevertheless, this is why relating with others is the only way you can get to know yourself and put to the test your progress in all of these skills.

Be Aware! Sometimes we do not realize that the person who is with us is harming us mentally. Maybe our wounds do not allow us to see that the relationship is toxic and harmful.

Learn to Identify Possible Red Flags

Learn to identify the possible red flags in your relationship. The following is a tentative list of red flags:

Poor communication or lack of it: If your partner is not willing to communicate with you openly and honestly, or if they frequently ignore your attempts to talk about important issues, this can be a sign of trouble.
Controlling behavior: If your partner tries to control who you spend time with, what you wear, or how you behave, this can be a warning sign of an unhealthy relationship.
Disrespect: If your partner frequently belittles you, insults you, or dismisses your feelings, this can be a sign of disrespect and lack of consideration.
Dishonesty: If your partner lies to you or keeps important information from you, this can be a sign of a lack of trust and transparency in the relationship.
Lack of support: If your partner does not support your goals or ambitions, or if they consistently put their own needs ahead of yours, this can be a sign of an unhealthy dynamic.
Infidelity: If your partner cheats on you, this can be a major breach of trust and a sign of serious problems in the relationship.
Physical, emotional, or verbal abuse: If your partner exhibits any form of abuse, whether it is physical, emotional, or verbal, this is a major red flag and should not be ignored.
If you notice any of these red flags in your relationship, it is important to address them with your partner and seek professional help if necessary.

Sometimes is better to be alone than in bad company! it can even be life-saving.

Focus on Good Friendships

Focus on the friendship of those who seem to meet what you are looking for.

There is nothing wrong with getting to know a person as a friend for as long as you need to until they become a good friend.

The best marriages are made by those who married their best friend, and gradually get to know each other.

Get Help When Needed

As you may already imagine, I am a big advocate for mental health therapy, spiritual direction, and vocational direction.

As I mentioned before there are many wounds that we all need to heal. For a period of my life, I visited my therapist on regular basis. It was the best investment of my life.

Therapy and guidance are not only for a few but for the great majority of all of us.

If you are married or in a committed relationship and you are having a tough time communicating or having other relationship issues please seek help by going to couples therapy.

The exception would be if there has been physical abuse in the relationship in which case the therapist should provide individual therapy only.

Give therapy a try, and seek to heal all wounds of abandonment or trust.

Asking for help is of wise people!

Pursue Your Favorite Hobbies and Activities

What do you enjoy? Seek those clubs and groups where people enjoy what you like as well, or try learning new things.

The best is to go out and meet people. There are two big misconceptions in today’s society, that in order to live your best life you need money and friends from social media. These things help and have their purpose, but like the bible says when you find a true friend you find a treasure.

The idea is that you enjoy a wide range of topics and have different types of friends whom you share your hobbies with.

The important thing is to enjoy yourself with others and develop those passions that God puts in your heart.

You will find good friendships this way.

Be Patient and Trust in the Process

Rome was not built in one day. Stop, smell the roses, but also reflect often.

I cannot stress this enough. A great deal of us wants things now and with a snap of our fingers.

Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Life is a slow process of redemption, and things honestly taste better when you let them go at a slower pace, without trying to rush things.

First Things First (for Christians)

If you believe in God like me, then you know the importance of talking to God and letting Him talk to you in prayer.

Give Him a chance to be present in your struggles and your sufferings, and He will reward you with his presence, which in turn is everything in the end.

Life is full of adventures and surprises! Open your eyes to what God and life bring every day 🙂

To my younger self, you were far from knowing back then how happy you would be with the love of your life.